A Glimpse Into The Mind Of A Habitual Aborter

I've been toying with the idea of putting this out there.  After the encouragement from my Jan14 mamas and a rough MFM appointment I figured I might as well.  Maybe it will feel good to get some things off my chest.

I wish that besides that new law in PA about touching a pregnant woman's belly, that they would add a law about commenting on the size of a pregnant woman.  The only acceptable thing to say is "You look great!".  Let me explain.  If you ask if a pregnant woman is sure there is only one in there or think they are due any day now at 30 weeks.  Congrats.  You just told someone who is already self conscious about their size that they are a Fatty Mcfatterson.  If you feel the need to comment on how small a pregnant woman is, you just inferred that she must not being taking care of herself or is somehow starving her unborn child.

The small comments are starting to slowly drive me crazy.  I try to look at it like my mom says and take it as a compliment, but I just can't.  Because of the PAI thing I have, I'm at risk for IUGR.  That's intrauterine growth restriction.  Not only does my uterus like to kill my babies.  It also tries to keep them from growing.  I've been getting monthly ultrasounds to check and make sure she is growing.  Now we're to weekly ones.  After hearing nothing but how small I am for 32 weeks from random strangers I went into this week's appointment a nervous wreck.  Cora was sleepy and wasn't moving like she normally is so I start to hyperventilate.  I ask the tech to show me her heart beat and by this time I am sobbing.  As she measures her head and belly all I can think of is how small she looks.  Then she measures her long legs that are just like Daddy's and I finally can breathe again. 

The only person that gets a free pass is my husband.  Because despite having "thighs like a linebacker" or an ass "that must be hungry because its eating" my underwear or who likes to play The Duck Song from YouTube as my theme song, I know he thinks I'm perfect and beautiful and sexy no matter what I look like.

Every time Cora does a major flip and then doesn't move afterwards I panic.  I'm convinced she just tied a knot in her cord or hung herself.  I contract non stop.  Today it was every 3-5 min.  I pray every day that they aren't hurting her.  I joke about how I hate all the pregnancy unicorns out there.  That have never had a bad outcome.  That have no idea all of the things that can and do go wrong.  That never feel a contraction until they go into labor.  Really I envy you.  You have no idea how lucky you are.

Getting Ready for Christmas....Christmas Cards

Last year all I had was a point and shoot camera so I was super excited to see what this year's would turn out.  I took more time with these and adjusting my settings.  Connor was not a fan of the wrapping paper so this made this difficult.  I had bought a cute Santa hat for him to wear....yeah that wasn't happening.

I'm going to have to try the ones with the ornaments again.  The color was way off since I didn't take the time to figure out the setting.  Nap time was getting too close.

"Mom why do you do this to me?"

How To Make A Fitted Carseat Cover

For some reason all the tutorials I could find online were for more of a carseat canopy.  Since that's not practical for an Ohio winter, I decided to wing it.  I must say it didn't turn out too bad.  Since every carseat is different I'm not giving measurements though.  What I did was lay my fabric face down and place the carseat face down on top of that.

From there I cut my fabric making sure I had enough to reach where I wanted the elastic to sit.  I then flipped the carseat right side up and busted out the pins.  I started with the top and bottom, then sides and curves.  In my opinion the more you pin the easier this will be.

I sewed around the pins leaving about 1 cm seam to slide the elastic through.  I left about an inch gap where I could place the elastic.  Now I've used paper clips in the past where you tie the elastic to that and then work it through.  I find it easier to tie the elastic to a crochet hook and work that through.  I then placed the cover on the carseat and pulled the elastic tight to where I wanted it and trimmed.  I used a zig zag stitch to sew the two ends of elastic together and then finished closing that last inch gap.

Now for the window.  I eyeballed it then placed my pins.  Then I measured them and adjusted as needed.  After measuring a few times to be sure, I made my cut.

I wanted the window to look nice when open so I chose a matching pink minky that I sewed on the other side of the flap. 

I am doing velcro closures, but buttons are another fancier option.  For the velcro I'm doing one at the center of the flap when open.  And two at the bottom for when closed.  The finished product! 

A Different Option For Your Little One's Name in the Nursery

For Connor's room, I went the easy route and bought a decal of his name off Etsy.  Since I've learned a lot in the last almost two years, I've been toying back and for with what to do for Cora's nursery.  Since we did such a fancy accent wall with the stencil (I will show you that in a later post when its completely done :) ) I didn't want it to seem too busy.  I settled on making a C on fabric and sewing different colored turquoise buttons inside it then framing it.  My mom threw a wrench in the plan when she told me about these wooden letters our Joann's had started to carry.  They only cost 4 bucks a piece so I figured what the heck I'll give it a try. 

This is what I used.  Scrapbook paper, mod podge, wooden letters, and glue gun.  Not pictured is ribbon, because this child is sucking my brain cells by the second.

Step #1 place your chosen piece of scrap book paper face down and then place your wooden letter face down on top of that.  Trace around the letter making sure you're tight with it.  For the special people who need pictures like myself, here ya go.

Step #2 cut out your letter very carefully so everything lines up.  I chose to leave my letters white, but if that doesn't fit in your color palette you can paint the letters so the sides match what you're working with.  Paint a coat of mod podge on your letter (now facing up of course) and then carefully line up your piece of cut paper and smooth down.  Do another coat of mod podge on top of the paper and let dry 10-15 min.

Step #3 is when the glue gun comes into play.  Now I haven't used one since the incident at the schizophrenic center of 2005, but I'm happy to say no one was injured and I didn't glue anything I wasn't supposed to.  OK I might have burnt my finger, but nothing too bad ;) (Basically I accidentally hot glued the art project I was teaching in group during psych clinicals and was comforted by my patients...)  Tie your ribbon and place on your letter how you see fit.  I chose to use a bow to hang my letters, but you could also use command strips or double sided tape if you don't want the ribbon look.  Use your trust hot glue gun to attach your ribbon to the back of your wooden letter and let dry.  Trim your excess ribbon and voila!  A cheap and easy way to bring your little one's name into the decorations of their room!

Pinterest Makes Me A Better Mom

I think since I was in the hospital over the weekend, Connor really was missing his mama.  My usually independent child has been glued to my side since I got home.  Well unless Mike is home of course.  And don't worry.  Cora is doing fine and staying put.  My uterus just doesn't like to be pregnant I guess.  With it getting colder out, I'm starting to get desperate for finding things for us to do during the day.  Puzzles have become my enemy.  Connor will try for 0.2 seconds to get the piece in then throw it at me and shout "Mama!" disgustedly.  Someone has my temper....

Thank God for Pinterest.  I am probably the least crafty person alive, but I've found such cute ideas.  Here are the art projects we did today.

We also went to the Hayes house and played in the leaves a bit.  Connor really was freaked out about wearing gloves.  But then they started mowing the grounds and he was in heaven.  A boy and his lawn mower....



Cora's Room: Wallpaper and Glue Removal

       I may have done a little happy dance when we started this project.  Goodbye hunting room!  As my husband took down the deer heads and moved the gun cabinet I realized some very sad news.  My husband loves borders.  The small strip of wallpaper basically was taunting me.  After some advice from some very smart bumpies, I attacked this first project of Cora's nursery.  If you have a border or wallpaper that needs removed, this is what worked very nicely for us.

What you'll need:  spray bottle, plain Dawn dish soap, white vinegar, a scraper, a sponge, and HOT water

Here's a before shot so you understand what was living down the hall from me.

First, we used Dawn and hot water in a spray bottle.  Spray small sections of the border then wipe with a rag.  Before it dries, use the scraper.  Once you get a good piece started, start pulling.  Repeat till done.  This room took my husband about 2 hours. 

Once he was done there was still areas of glue on the wall.  This time I used hot water and vinegar in the spray bottle.  Instead of spraying it on the wall, I just used a few sprays on a sponge.  A little elbow grease and the glue came right off.  Any normal human this would probably take about 30 minutes.  This anemic pregnant woman it took about an hour.

As a whole, it was a whole heck of a lot easier than I expected.  The end result:

Operation Keep Connor Busy

The past week or so, Connor has officially been acting like a toddler.  I spent the night researching on Pinterest, trying to find activities that would keep him occupied and lessen the whining.  This is what we did today.  I might add that all of this was done with a children's iheart station playing for dance party breaks.

#1 Pipe Cleaners and Colander

What a huge success!   He did this for 30 minutes straight.  It took him a little bit to figure out how to actually get them in the holes, but filling up the strainer was just as fun.

#2 fabric balls and cupcake pan
This one he liked to, just not as much as the first.  He "counted" as he placed each ball.  We practiced numbers and colors.  This kept him occupied for about 20 minutes.

#3 Play Doh
He actually liked playing with the cups more than the play doh.  Every time he would touch the play doh he'd look at me with this "ew" face.  I bought a set that had a truck which is a favorite of his right now so this was a solid 30 min plus of play.

#4 Stringing beads with play-doh and pipe cleaner
Big.  Fat.  Fail.  I saw this using fruit loops instead of beads as well, but he isn't quite there yet.  I ended up just stringing the beads myself and them letting him take them off and put them away.  This only gave me maybe 10 minutes.

I totally stole this idea

One of the moms on my birth month board does this on her blog and I'm totally stealing it. 

Pregnancy: 13 weeks

Weight Gain: 6 lbs  :(  but I gained that in the first week.

Gender:  The tech at my NT scan wouldn't even make a guess.  So for now my anatomy scan is scheduled for September 5th unless I can convince Mike to get an elective one earlier.  I promised I wouldn't ruin it this time by finding out myself at work.

Names:  I haven't really found any that I LOVE.  So far ones we've tossed around are Claire, Cora, Clayton, and I like Cole, but I'm not sure if his parents having a dog named Cole will let that fly.

Feeling:  Pretty cruddy.  I've had this dang cough since Connor and I went to visit Erin.  Its really getting old.  Now its back with a vengeance and I'm running a fever again.  I hate calling off work.  I think I've had more days off since this pregnancy then combined my 3 years there.

Movement:  There's been a few times that I thought I felt the baby, but I'm not sure.  Even during the NT scan baby was super active and I felt nothing so.....

Belly:

Next Appointment: I see the midwife at my new OB's tomorrow afternoon.  I'm hoping to talk to Dr Greenbaum though.



Telling the world

Well its finally facebook official.  I made this pic my profile picture.  Its crazy how nervous I was.

 

And my weekly pic

 

 

At 12 weeks 5 days I had my NT scan.  The MFM said baby looked great, but he wouldn't comment on the bleeds which pissed me off.  I really didn't think much of him and will probably request to see someone else if I have to go back.  He said starting Lovenox was up to me.  Um OK?  So I plan on talking to my OB at my next appointment.

 



A Trip to Minnesota

We rounded out the end of week 10 into week 11 with a visit to Minnesota to visit Angie, Dustin, and the kids.  I love going there because its so relaxing for me.  We kept pretty busy the entire time we were there, but I loved every minute of it.  I got to see the boys play frizbee golf for the first time.  A few hills about killed me, but it was really nice to get out.  We went to the beach and the race track and just hung out as a family.  Here are a couple pics from the trip as well as week 11 belly pic. 

Nothing is Ever Easy

I made it past all of my loss milestones!  The pessimistic part of my mind is still waiting for the worst, but I'm trying to stay positive.  Dr S says with this blood clotting thing I have, that I should be on Lovenox during pregnancy.  Thankfully the SCH finally resolved as of 9 weeks 5 days, but hey guess what?  I have a low lying placenta and a bunch of blood near my cervix.  As long as there is still bleeding so no Lovenox.  So through some miracle, our gummy bear is still fighting without any blood thinners on board.  At 9 weeks 2 days I decided to try out my doppler.  I was laying in the bathtub and after about 5 minutes I was able to find it!  A beautiful heartbeat of 135.  I screamed for Mike, who came running in.  He just rolled his eyes and said I would electrocute myself.  But I saw the look in his eyes.  Hope. 

My next US is on July 10th.  Hopefully we will graduate from Dr. S then.  I'm looking forward to knowing where I will deliver and if they will let me attempt to VBAC.  If the previa doesn't resolve, that won't be an option.  I'm trying not to think about that though.  I finally am starting to feel like this is going to happen.  I bought some gender neutral baby clothes from Baby Gap.  And I started my belly pics. 

Houston We Have a Hearbeat!

I can't believe I'm writing this.  Like literally cannot believe it.  After last week's ultrasound and the SCH I just figured that was it.  Mike wasn't able to make it to this appointment, so my mom ended up driving me.  That way if I got bad news I wouldn't have to drive myself home again.  We were three minutes late and it was so hard to not tell my mom to hurry up!  Dr S got me back into the ultrasound room in about 5 minutes.  The nice thing about him is you barely have time to get your clothes off before he comes in so you don't have to sit there naked forever waiting for him.

As soon as he started he blurted out "There's a heartbeat!"  He turned the monitor so I could see the flicker in our little bean.  You could still see the yolk sac.  He said I measured out to be 6 weeks 3 days.  This baby must have implanted really late.  By ovulation I should be 7 weeks 1 day and by LMP I am 6 weeks 5 days.  Dr S said that the SCH had shrunk from 25% to 5%. 

So the plan.....since the bleed isn't completely gone, I go back next Friday to monitor it.  If its gone then he will start me on Lovenox injections.  My progesterone has dropped from 20's to 12 so he prescribed suppositories twice a day.  Ugh.  But I'll do whatever he says.  My heart can't handle another loss.

I guess I need to catch y'all up on some things.  Lets rewind to May 11th.  I spent the night before drinking daiquiris over the fact that I would be having a hysteroscopy soon and that we had failed to conceive.  The afternoon of May 11th I woke up from a nap with Connor and decided to take yet another pregnancy test.  And it was positive!  I have never gotten a positive test so late in my cycle.  On the 13th I called Dr Nick and he ordered for me to get my beta HCG tested as well as progesterone levels.  It was a whopping 24.  24.  So that means when I got the positive on the 11th it was only like 12.  And supposedly FRER's aren't positive till 25.  It wasn't looking good at all.  I continued in my crazy fashion to POAS to see if the tests were getting darker and thought they were.  My second beta on the 15th was 67!  I was pregnant! 

I continued to get betas drawn, but by the 21st the doubling time had slowed way down.  Dr Nick was starting to get concerned.  He wanted me to come in for an early ultrasound, but we were on vacation with Mike's family.  I was at war with myself between hoping for good news and trying to convince myself to accept that this wasn't going to work out.  Wednesday I finally had my ultrasound.  It showed a gestational sac, yolk sac, and subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH).  Dr Nick told us that one of my labs had come back abnormal.  I guess I have a PAI-1 4g/4g mutation.  From what I understand about it, my body doesn't break down clots right.  In order to negate this, I need to be on blood thinners for a successful pregnancy.  Dr Nick said because of the SCH, I couldn't be started on the blood thinners.  The plan for now is to go back on June 5th for another ultrasound to see if there is a heartbeat.  If there isn't one, I will have my answer and will miscarry for the fourth time.

I keep flip flopping back and forth between, being ok and positive, and completely falling apart.  Not knowing sucks.  I'm so tempted to call Dr H and try and get an ultrasound before then.  But if I don't see a heartbeat what will that get me?  Stuck at work knowing I have another dead baby.  ***sighs***  Hopefully these next few days fly.  I wish I could be one of the lucky women who are oblivious and have no idea that bad things happen in pregnancy.

First RE appointment

Finally!  This morning I had my first appointment with Dr Nick.  I'm glad going into it that I knew he would push IVF thanks to V.  Otherwise I would have been really caught off guard.  After explaining our history to the nurse the doc came in.  I had told the nurse what I do for a living so right away he talked to me in a respectful way.  He acknowledged all my research and that I understood his terms.  He asked if I had any of our babies tested for genetic problems.  When I explained that Dudley told us it would be next to impossible since the baby had died so much earlier he basically called bullshit.  He said that is the old way of thinking and its possible to get genetic information from one cell.  I could kick myself I'm so mad.

He said that we had two options.  He STRONGLY recommended IVF (surprise surprise).  Our other option is to do aspirin and lovenox when I get pregnant again.  When I told him I just ovulated he said if I'm not pregnant in two weeks we will do a hysteroscopy.  He also ordered a few more labs that Dudley didn't order and a karyotype for Mike.  He was more concerned with that my ANA was speckled and said he hoped that I didn't end up with SLE.   He also said that with mostly negative labs that its likely the reason I've had multiple losses is genetic and that's why he pushed the IVF.  I had an ultrasound in the office which confirmed that I did ovulate yesterday.  It also showed some possible scar tissue.  When he was looking at my lining he said it looked "ok".  He pointed out that it should be the same width all the way around, but the posterior side of my uterus was like a jagged line.  So the hystersocopy will rule out scar tissue or if its there, he will try and remove it.  With having a C section and 2 D&Cs in the last two years I was scared that it would be a problem.

All in all I'm really happy with how it went.  Dudley always makes me feel like I'm crazy and nothing is wrong.  Dr Nick acknowledged the issue and gave us a plan.  When Mike commented that my charting actually was correct, Dr Nick complimented me on being informed.  He also said he gives nurses an $1000 discount on IVF lol.

Rheumy update

Well I finally had my follow up appointment with the rheumatologist. He said he wasn't concerned with my sed rate since it wasn't extremely high. The CH50 being high didn't matter because they look for low results. My rheumatoid factor came back positive though. He said it was barely positive so he called it borderline. He said he thought something was going on, but he's not sure what so I'm supposed to go back in six months to see if my numbers have gotten worse. No concrete answers again. He also mentioned that like 4% of the population has these results and no disease so I could be part of that percent.

My stress level has been through the roof unfortunately. Since going full time I now have to be able to scrub. This has been a major area of stress for me in the past and nothing has changed. Hopefully once I do one c/s then I can stop freaking out about it.

I see the RE in a week. I'm strangely excited for it.

TMI

Sometimes too much information is not a good thing.  I got impatient and got a copy of the labs that are back from the rheumatologist.  My ANA was still abnormal, this time it was speckled as well.  My sed rate was slightly high and my CH50 was abnormally high.  So chronic inflammation is what I understand of it.  Great.  Now I wait till the 18th till I can see a doctor and figure out what to do next.  I am having a really hard time sitting out this month.  I just can't do it.  So I think I'm going to talk to Dudley about taking some baby aspirin.  I may just take it on my own.  Why is having babies so much easier for my patients?

A Visit with the Rheumatologist

Today was finally my appointment with Dr M.  I actually liked him.  He was very straight forward, but not in a rude way.  Though he asked what my OB thought was causing the MCs and I said bad luck, he said that was the best scenario.  I don't agree.  A simple fix would be the best scenario.  But I digress.

He started off the appointment looking at all the labs I already had drawn.  He asked if Dr H has mentioned putting me on prednisone and when I said no that was kind of the end of it.  I'm going to bring it up to Dr H next time I am able to talk to him at work.  He tested all my joints and my strength, which I did fine of.  The only other symptom I have that matches lupus besides the ANA is a sore on the roof of my mouth.  He ordered a bunch of labs, some that already were drawn, to rule out an auto immune problem.  He also said sometimes normals with come back as abnormal or vice versa which multiple draws, so I'm curious to see if anything else shows up.  Still hoping irrationally for that simple fix.  He said I don't fit the typical mold of a lupus patient, which I already knew. 

The cool thing about his office is that they have a lab right there so I was able to get drawn right after my appointment.  My name was messed up so hopefully I don't have to deal with lost tubes again.  He told me 3 weeks wait for results, but the tech said 10 days.  I like 10 days a lot better.  He did say he would call me if anything funky showed up.  But I doubt he would unless it was something huge like my PT/INR was messed up.  So 15 tubes of blood later, I'm sitting here eating some broccoli and rice with no more answers than I had when I woke up today.  TTA is starting to really suck.  Hopefully we will get some answers between this next appointment and when I see Dr S on the 24th.

ETA:  In case I want to look back....this is what he ordered. 
CMP, RPR, CBC, CRP, ESR, FREE T4, TSH, ALDOLASE, CPK, PT/INR, PTT, ANA PANEL 9, CHROMATIN AB, ANTI NUCLEAR AB, ANA BY IFA, RHEUMATOID FACTOR, CCP, CH50, C3, C4, THRYOGLOBULIN AB, MICROSOMAL AB, LUPUS ANTICOAG, BETA 2 GLYCOPROTEIN, ANTI CARDIOLIPIN AB

Skinny Minny

For some reason the year I turned 22, it was like my metabolism stopped.  I never had to work out, I was just naturally thin.  I could eat whatever I wanted and never had to worry about gaining weight.  One thing I did do, was if I was really upset, I just wouldn't eat.  Oh how I miss those days.  I recently started a Biggest Loser contest with some fellow Feb12 mamas.  Week one I'm in last freaking place.  LAST PLACE!  So since last Friday I've become a woman on a mission.  I've worked out every day, I decreased pop to almost nothing (gasp) and have been trying to eat around a 1400 calorie diet.  I've lost that pound I gained and hopefully will lose more by Friday, the next weigh in.  I have all those jeans from when I was thin that are just sitting there waiting for me.  I figured I could use this blog to track my progress in that as well.  Its a blog of many names I guess.  So starting March 1st I was 149.6 pounds.  Currently I am 149.4.  Not a loss to be proud of, but I had gained some in there.  My first goal is to be 140 lbs.  But my major goal is 130.  And here's some before pictures to encourage myself.

A Step in the Right Direction

Well....I missed two doses of my Zoloft and ended up crying in the bathtub last night.  I hate that I need these meds to function.  I have already gone from bad mood to good mood to bad mood again in the four hours I've been awake.  Awesomesauce.

I did finally make some progress though this week.  I ran to lab when I was working on Wednesday and asked for the to look for my protein C results.  They still said pending so Nikki (my fave lab tech) said she would look into it.  Turns out that Cleveland Clinic lost it.  Um come again?  So I ended up getting redrawn that evening.  She said I would have results in 1-3 days.  So hopefully by Monday. 

I also called and left a message asking if he made the appointment with and MFM for me like he said he would.  Nope he didn't (big surprise).  He said he talked to the MFM and Dr Hnat said I wasn't an appropriate patient for an MFM and to see a RE.  So ever since this third loss I have been pushing for that, but he keeps trying to talk me out of it.  He even mentioned in the voicemail he left me how insurance wouldn't cover anything.  I had Mike call our insurance and visits will be covered.  We have to call and get approved for any labs or tests.  So take that and shove it.  I called this morning and the earliest they could get me in to see the RE is April 24th.  :(  I'm trying to focus on that this will give me more time to focus on me getting better emotionally.

Admitting Defeat

After a long "conversation" with Mike on Saturday night.  I started taking my Abilify and the lowest dose of Zoloft.  Its amazing how in one little day my mood can completely change.  I'm still losing my temper too easily, but I'm not angry at the world today.  Part of me feels like I failed.  That I couldn't give our future child that chance of a life because I can't go off my meds.  However, what's the point of having another child if Mike and I get divorced?  I started my birth control.  Hopefully I will be able to get myself to a good place while we're waiting for the rheumatologist appointment.

Its funny the way my mind works.  Most people would probably be freaking out about the possibility of having an auto immune disorder.  I don't even care, because that would mean I would have an answer.  A concrete reason why we've lost so much instead of just "bad luck".  Maybe even a reason why I am always so tired and sore.  That its not in my head.

At the beginning of the month I started a weight loss competition with some fellow February moms.  If I actually get off my butt I have a chance of winning 250 bucks.  Getting to a size four has got to make me feel better about myself right?  Now I just need to convince Mike to go with me to work out.

Rice Really Does Work

The past fews days I will admit, I haven't been at my best.  Maybe its the withdrawal from Zoloft, or that AF finally showed her face today?  I agreed to work half of the shift to help out a friend.  I was bummed to give up a Saturday with Mike and Connor, but we could use the money and how could I say no?  Mike let me sleep in a little and I could hear Connor being difficult.  I scooped him up and started the bath water.  Since I can never bathe alone, Connor and I have this "thing"  I take a bath and he throws toys in the water and says "uh oh".  I at one point was rinsing my hair when I heard a louder than normal plop.  Connor had tossed my brand new SG3 phone in the bath water!  So in case you ever find yourself in this situation.  Rice and a blow dryer actually works!

While at work I finally realized though I couldn't look up my labs myself, I could go to the lab and request copies.  So here I have sat, googling, looking for an answer.  Because really, bad luck?  I call bullshit.  I found an interesting article about homocysteine levels and miscarriage.  My lab print out says my levels are normal, but from what I can find its actually the high side of normal.  The folic acid Dudley wrote for actually may solve our problem! 

I also finally was able to get the name of a RE in our area to see.  This way I can stay with seeing Dudley through my pregnancy, but get someone else's opinion on these miscarriage.  AF being here just made it more real.  So the big question now.... do we try and hope for "good luck"?  Or wait till we can talk to the RE?

Journey to a minivan

So much has happened in the past year since I wrote that first post.  Ah the tales of a habitual aborter to quote Betsy.  It was suggested to me to start journaling.  Since I don't have one and no one really knows about this blog anyway... Here I am.

Connor's birth was probably the best moment in my life.  Yes meeting Mike and getting married and our honeymoon are definitely up there on the list.  But Connor.  He is something special.  When I was in the hospital everyone commented on how nice it was to see me smile.  I guess I never realized how my depression and grief was that evident. 

Fast forward to July 2012.  It was a busy night at work and I kept forgetting things.  My co workers at the time joked that I was pregnant again.  I brushed them off because I knew I had had a period just two weeks before.  I just didn't focus on work the same after coming back from maternity leave and it annoyed them.  Connor was being super fussy at feedings.  He would eat like normal and when he would stop he would cry this horrible cry.  It broke my heart.  I could tell my supply was dropping and blamed it on him starting solids.  A few days later I had a dream that I was pregnant.  The only other time I had had that dream was when I was pregnant with Connor.  I took a test and it came back positive in record time.  I instantly panicked.  Connor was only 6 months old!  I just had robbed him of our time together of just us.  I called Mike and he was excited we would be getting a minivan.

The next day I started to spot.  It wasn't heavy.  Just a light brown.  But we headed into the ER anyways.  They said it was too early for an ultrasound and drew beta HCG.  It was around 200.  In the next week my numbers went down then up.  Enough that I still held hope even though it wasn't close to being normal.  Then the day of Ryan's annual pig roast, the bleeding started.  I came home from the party to find our freezer door cracked.  All my frozen breast milk had started to thaw.  I sat on the kitchen floor and cried.

This second loss was like a bump in the road.  It hurt me, but I had to focus on Connor.  I tried so hard to get my milk supply up, but after a month I gave up.  This is probably my biggest regret.  I hope someday I will forgive myself for it.

I went back on Ativan and Abilify along with my max dose of Zoloft.  I was struggling and started to drink a wine cooler at night to try and calm down.  Probably not the best time to start to TTC, but I wanted another baby so bad.  Connor gives me joy.  I needed more of that.  On our first month of trying we got lucky and got pregnant right away.  I started Progesterone and switched OBs to try and lessen my stress level.   I saw our baby 4 times.  Each with a heart beat.  He/she was bounching all around and I thought, great another Mike.  Mike called a dealership to start test driving mini vans.  In the meantime, I was slowly falling apart.  I worried about handling two children, when I could barely get out of bed each day.  I sat and watched Connor play.  I checked out.  Two weeks after that last ultrasound I was considering suicide.  I just was tired of being so damn sad.  Connor and Mike deserve better.  I would rock Connor to sleep and night and just cry.  Soon I realized something was not right with my pregnancy.  I made an appointment and got in for another ultrasound to "calm my nerves"  our little angel had died.  Again.  The tales of a habitual aborter.

Since then, I had a D&C, repeat loss testing, and begged Mike to kill me since I can't do it.  I weaned off Zoloft and Abilify.  Probably not the best idea, but its not like it was helping anyway.  My labs have came back normal except for my ANA.  So basically in the words of a wise bumpy, I'm a perfectly healthy baby killing machine.  Oh except I may have an autoimmune disorder.  Yippy.

So here we are now.  Given the green light to TTC again.  Unsure that I will survive another loss.  My nickname in AZ was fragile.  Fragile doesn't even begin to explain where I am right now.