I've been toying with the idea of putting this out there. After the encouragement from my Jan14 mamas and a rough MFM appointment I figured I might as well. Maybe it will feel good to get some things off my chest.
I wish that besides that new law in PA about touching a pregnant woman's belly, that they would add a law about commenting on the size of a pregnant woman. The only acceptable thing to say is "You look great!". Let me explain. If you ask if a pregnant woman is sure there is only one in there or think they are due any day now at 30 weeks. Congrats. You just told someone who is already self conscious about their size that they are a Fatty Mcfatterson. If you feel the need to comment on how small a pregnant woman is, you just inferred that she must not being taking care of herself or is somehow starving her unborn child.
The small comments are starting to slowly drive me crazy. I try to look at it like my mom says and take it as a compliment, but I just can't. Because of the PAI thing I have, I'm at risk for IUGR. That's intrauterine growth restriction. Not only does my uterus like to kill my babies. It also tries to keep them from growing. I've been getting monthly ultrasounds to check and make sure she is growing. Now we're to weekly ones. After hearing nothing but how small I am for 32 weeks from random strangers I went into this week's appointment a nervous wreck. Cora was sleepy and wasn't moving like she normally is so I start to hyperventilate. I ask the tech to show me her heart beat and by this time I am sobbing. As she measures her head and belly all I can think of is how small she looks. Then she measures her long legs that are just like Daddy's and I finally can breathe again.
The only person that gets a free pass is my husband. Because despite having "thighs like a linebacker" or an ass "that must be hungry because its eating" my underwear or who likes to play The Duck Song from YouTube as my theme song, I know he thinks I'm perfect and beautiful and sexy no matter what I look like.
Every time Cora does a major flip and then doesn't move afterwards I panic. I'm convinced she just tied a knot in her cord or hung herself. I contract non stop. Today it was every 3-5 min. I pray every day that they aren't hurting her. I joke about how I hate all the pregnancy unicorns out there. That have never had a bad outcome. That have no idea all of the things that can and do go wrong. That never feel a contraction until they go into labor. Really I envy you. You have no idea how lucky you are.
Oh Mindy, I can relate. I used to joke about kicking "happy pregnant women" in the shins, but seriously sometimes I wanted to. I hated when people would comment that they were in the "safe zone" or even when they'd talk about how when their baby would come. It all made me feel extremely pessimistic, but I couldn't turn it off. The anxiety was there the entire time I was pregnant with Owen. It's still there! Just in a different way... I remember in particular some comments a guy in one of my classes made. It was when I was pregnant with the twins- it was 3 weeks after losing Porter, but 2 weeks before I lost Isaac. The guy thought I looked huge (I did). He kept saying, "Aren't you just ready for that baby to be here already?" I wanted to punch him in the face. I was 24 weeks pregnant and scared every day that Isaac would come early. This guy knew I was having a troubled pregnancy and had lost one of my babies, but he kept going. I finally told him that I didn't want my baby to be born premature. Well, we know how that turned out. But my point is that people don't think. It's a happy ignorance that comes from never having the traumatic experiences you have had. I will be praying for sweet Cora, that she makes it here safely. I'll also send out juju that people stop being dumb.
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